The Pain of Missing Someone: Your Heart Will Mend in Time
The way to get through the pain of missing someone is to turn the negative into a positive. The hurt won’t last forever – you just have to hold on.
If I could eliminate one feeling on earth – seriously just one – it would be that no one had to suffer through missing someone.
We go through life with various people at our sides. At first, it is our parents. They are there to support us and, in theory, they have to love us whether we are worthy, lovable, or even likable. That is their sole purpose. But, as we grow, we find people in our lives who don’t have to love us – they just do.
There isn’t any blood relation that ties us, it is just something about our energies together. In our hearts and in our souls, we crave them, long for them, depend on them, and need them.
As wonderful as that sounds, when they are gone, it is like someone took your arm and suddenly you need to learn to function without it. You are just supposed to carry on arm-less.
My first husband was that person in my life who loved me unconditionally. You know, where you don’t have to worry whether you have a pimple, you’re wearing your fat pants, or you weren’t particularly being the best you. They simply love you, and you just know in your heart they do.
Then one day, my right arm was gone. I will never forget that day in the oncologist office. We had four small children from 10 to 6 months, and I was told that I should prepare for him to say goodbye – he had two weeks to live. And just as quickly as I remember him making an entrance into my life in the third grade, he would be out just as fast.
Missing someone is the most heart-wrenching, soul-sucking, tear-jerking, painful experience that there is. The people you love are supposed to be there. They just are. [Read: How does it really feel when you miss someone?]
Things are supposed to go a certain way, and then someone switches the train tracks. And suddenly you are headed down to a whole new destination, heading toward the abyss. But the worst part is… you are all alone.
I wanted to write this article because I wanted to give some helpful advice to people that would make it all better. But the truth is that there isn’t anything that can make that heartache go away.
There isn’t any magic pill to erase your hurt, your heartache, or your loss. Whether they left because they left the earth, or they left because they found someone that suits them better, letting go of someone is the hardest thing to do. [Read: How to stop thinking about someone you still like]
10 good things that can come from missing someone
If there is any consolidation prize in the whole miserable process *and sometimes there simply is none*, there are some good things that can come from missing someone. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true. So here are the some positives that can happen when someone leaves your life.
#1 You have no one to answer to. When I lost my husband, I was in a fog for a long time. One day I was out driving, and I backed into someone. I mean just rammed right into the back of them. I instantly felt stupid and had that feeling like I was going to have to tell my dad.
Then I realized that I didn’t have to tell anyone. All my mistakes, my misgivings, or things that I did wrong, were all on me. I didn’t have to check with anyone when I wanted to make a decision. I was all on my own and could choose what I wanted without repercussions or disapproval.
#2 You can completely start over. Sometimes we forget about how much fun dating and meeting new people can be. Dating after losing someone always feels strange, and sometimes it can bring about feelings of guilt.
But, it can also be a fun and exciting time in your life. There are always going to be things that you wished were different in your former relationship. Like maybe you would have liked to find a girl who liked motorcycles or a guy that liked to hike. [Read: I miss him but I don’t think he misses me]
Try to take all those things, and go find someone new who likes them like you do. It is a completely new time to be who you want to be, not sacrifice, and find someone who loves to do the same things as you.
#3 You get an *albeit awful and shitty* re-do. A do-over is one of the best things in the world. It isn’t very often in life that you get to re-do the decisions you make without any guilt or reprisal. Losing someone is like getting to re-do your life and take a totally different turn.
Sure, your life may have been on one course, and now it’s gone, and that just sucks. The thing is, now you get to re-examine and do what you want this time around. With a different perspective than you had before, a do-over allows you to take the road less traveled.
#4 You learned from your mistakes along the way and can now make them right. All those things that you wish you had done differently, well, you have the opportunity to do it. I never told Colin that I loved him, and that is something I truly regret.
I always promised myself that, in my next relationship, I would tell the person I love exactly how I feel. That way, there isn’t ever a question of how important they are to me. Learning from your mistakes will make your next relationship *should you chose to have one* the best it can be.
Wisdom is a very powerful thing, and can help enrich your life. Missing someone you lost is horrible, but learning from mistakes of the past is how you can make it a positive instead of negative. [Read: How to let go of someone you love by hating them]
#5 You have the power to move on, all on your own. Sometimes we give up things that we love for other people. It isn’t really a sacrifice, but if things just didn’t fit into your lifestyle, then you probably let them go.
When you lose someone, it is a time to find yourself. Those things that you put by the wayside, thought weren’t in the cards for you, they are all possible now. Think about the things you held back from and the bucket list that you never thought you would get to. Now is the time to do all those things that you wouldn’t – or couldn’t – in your previous life/relationship.
#6 It’s your silver lining so go find it. Silver linings are things that are on the inside, but you can’t see them from the outside. What looks like a rain cloud from earth probably looks pretty spectacular when you are close up.
What do I mean by that? If you want to get past the devastation of missing someone, you have to look for that silver lining. The worst thing in the world is losing someone – unless you can find the positive in it.
Run a race in their name, use it to motivate you to achieve your dreams, push yourself past where you would be if you never went through the pain. That which doesn’t kill us truly does make us stronger. Simply being strong may be your silver lining. Whatever it is, it is in there. [Read: Signs you’re love sick and ways to get out of it]
#7 You can find you again. When you are in a couple, sometimes you end up losing yourself and forgetting what it is that you wanted to do or what makes you happy. We get so caught up in our lives and in roles we play, that we forget about our own dreams.
Life is short, and it is important to not to take things for granted. Now is the time to find that inner you, find out what makes you happy, and to be selfish for once. Make it all about you by finding out who you are and what will make your life fulfilled. Just you – without having to make someone else happy.
#8 It makes you appreciate things more. The thing about losing and missing someone is that you never see the world in the same way. That is both a good thing and a bad. I will never go a day without appreciating people around me.
I have no filter for giving love, and I see the little things in life as enormous. It isn’t that I don’t understand that sometimes your maid not showing up is a major crisis in your life, but I have learned to go with the flow.
The things that get other people all riled up just don’t seem to matter to someone who has lost someone they love. You don’t sweat the small stuff. [Read: How to move on and deal with a breakup with a smile]
#9 They aren’t ever gone. Even if they aren’t by your side when you go to bed, the person you lost is never gone. That is the beauty of life.
Although a person may leave us, we never fully leave them. Every person we love, or relationship that we have, makes an impression on our life. If you keep their memory alive and think of them often, they can’t truly ever be gone.
#10 You had the best thing ever – even if it was for just a short time. I would rather have loved for a day the way that I loved Colin than to never know that type of love. As much as I miss him, I know that I am one of the luckiest women alive to know what true, undying and unconditional, love is. I hate that I miss him, but I would rather miss him for the next thousand years than to never have loved him.
Missing someone is one of the hardest emotions we can have as human beings. You need to fill the void with positive things so that you can move on, learn from mistakes made, and recognize that you are lucky to have found love. Not everyone does. [Read: What should you do after a breakup to feel awesome?]